Sadly it is. It is repeating over and over again. Before I enter Medicine, there are already things running in my mind. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “bagong school, bagong taong pakikisamahan. Mga taong hindi mo alam kung kaibigan ba o naghahanap lang ng kasama.” One of the things I hate the most in this world: meeting new people. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko. I’m not even sure if they want me around or I’m their one hell of a stimulus; and their response to stimulus is annoyance. My mom usually told me na “masungit” ako. Well, that’s everyone’s impression to me. Masungit. Why? Because I don’t talk and I tend to ignore people. Whenever I bumped onto someone I knew, I would never ever greet her/him first. Whenever there are new people in the house (don’t take this literally), I never initiate the first talk. They should be talking to me first. My mom called it masungit. Pero ano bang tawag ko du’n? I called it assurance. Ayokong unang nagsalita dahil hindi ko naman sigurado kung gusto nilang marinig ang boses ko. Kahit gaano ko pa ka-close ang makasalubong ko. I’m not really fond of myself. If one day I saw myself walking towards me on a one-way road, I would just turn around and pretend that I never saw her.
Ganun ka-shit ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.
That’s why I never understand those people na sinasabihan ako ng “buti ka pa”, “ang galing mo naman”, “paano maging ikaw?” Because believe me, you would never wanted to be me.
Last April 2015, I graduated finally. At anong kapalit? I lost a special friend; a type of friend that you’ll rarely see. We’ve been through the ups and downs (and even side by side). We shared loads of laughter and tears, pile of secrets, book of advices. Then look what happened. Our friendship reached the finish line. Among the two of us, she is this girl with golden heart and I’m the girl with a stone heart. She’s kind; I’m…well, masungit. She’s the saint; I’m the evil. So sino ang kakampihan ng lahat? Siya.
Siya ang kinampihan ng lahat and all of them did not even bother to hear my side, to know what I’ve been going through, to know what level of pain I am facing that time. No one even dare to know what’s inside of me. Result? Nawala ang tiwala sa’kin ng mga kaibigan ko. I became the bad girl when in fact I am the one who’s mourning. I am the one who’s already losing hope in this world. And I did not even try to explain my side. What for? When no one even dares to listen.
Since then, sinabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko ng ma-attach sa kahit na sino. Pumasok ako ng Medicine na desididong hindi ako mag-i-invest ng closeness or any special bond to any of my classmates. I told myself that I will have group of people who will be just my companion: kasama sa lunch, sa uwian, sa groupings, etc. I will not connect myself to them; I will be a closed book. Sinabi ko rin na I will not be the same Hanj when I was in College. Hindi na mag-iingay, tatahimik na lang sa isang tabi and I will let people around me to be drowned with their own voices. I will avoid attachment so once that when history repeats itself, I’ll be stronger. No more tears, no more pain.
Then here I am in this situation. I did hurt someone again; someone who’s similar to my old friend—a girl with a golden heart. Kind. Saint. And I’m afraid that someday I’ll be the bad girl again. Maybe right now they are thinking na ang OA ko masyado. I hope na sana OA nga lang ako. I hope na sana lahat ng nararamdaman kong ‘to ay isang drama lang, na sana nga hindi naman talaga activated ‘yung Punishment Center sa midbrain ko ngayon. But how did Dr. Barbon described emotions that are response from Punishment Center via Limbic System? Emotions are true if you can’t control it. And I can’t damn control my emotions right now thinking why do I always keep on messing up great things?
I am thinking…why I am getting hurt right now when in the first place, I told myself not to get attached. Maybe because after all this time, I am investing myself again.